“Returning home for the holidays can be like entering a time warp. One minute, you’re the successful adult with the house and the job, and the next, you’re disputing the TV remote with your sibling as if it were the good old days back in ’97.” Holiday regression, the tendency to revert back to childhood behaviors, can be expected, but also can be controlled.
1. Knowing Holiday Regression
Holiday regression, as explained by therapist Alex Iacovitti, is a process of returning “to a space where these primitive means of survival were greatly needed.” It is a space where these learned patterns the “quiet one,” the “mediator,” or “rebellious teen” were likely first acted out. Adults return to the earliest stage of their therapeutic journey, an automatic return to these learned patterns, closing down the thinking brain and opening up the reactive brain.
2. Identifying Emotional Triggers
The triggers can be quite nuanced and might include the tone of voice, the disdainful look, and the familiar politiical debate. These are moments when memories from the past are triggered. The process of recognizing some of these triggers in terms of holiday conflict preparation strategies enables one to act instead of reacting.
3. Maintenance of Adult Identity
Psychologist Ryan Howes suggests a “refresher” course in who you are today your values, routines, and speaking style before going home. Listing improvements since childhood can help ground you in your identity now. Even token efforts, like sticking with your daily fitness routine or favorite breakfast, can solidify the adult in you amidst the childlike environment.
4. Boundary Setting Without Guilt
“Boundaries are not selfish buffers,” says Dr. Cloud on his website. “Boundaries are necessary if one is to establish an emotional well-being. Lauren Hyland’s experience when she said to a family member, “We are going to parent the way that we believe is right,” illustrates how this is done to safeguard one’s peace and even one’s relationships.” A way that this is possible is by incorporating respectful statements that convey “I’d rather not talk about that today.”
5. Using Co-Regulation for Support
Turning to a partner or a confidant when things become contentious can be deeply enlightening. Iacovitti describes this process as “co-regulation” whereby one shares their feelings with another who is supportive, effectively bringing a person back down to earth. It may be a simple matter of a coded word reminding the other to take a breather.
6. Using Mindfulness in the Moment
“Mindfulness exercises, like grounding or deep breathing exercises, can effectively work against the stress that regression brings. One strategy that works is to note five things that you can see, four things that you can touch, three things that you can hear, two things that you can smell, and one thing that you can taste.”
7. Working with Former Family Roles
For those who were parentification, meaning taking on adult responsibilities within the family as children, holiday regressions could also be more intense. Returning home could revive the tendencies of caregiving or mediating. Being aware of these tendencies and deliberately choosing not to return to them could spare one burnout.
8. Conflict Management with Compassion
Attributing the behavior to issues of insecurity in another can change the dynamics of an interaction from one of conflict to one of empathy. As one text on conflict resolution suggests, “It’s not about you; it’s about them.” Saying something with humor or detachment instead of anger can be very helpful.
9. Planning the Recovery Period
Despite planning ahead, visits with loved ones over the holidays can be exhausting. Planning “recovery time” afterward, whether alone for a walk, with a friend for coffee, or with a therapist, also helps to put emotions into perspective and readjust one’s equilibrium as an adult. Hyland stresses regression “is simply a memory that exists inside of your body” and “recovery” is a step of coming back into adult equilibrium. “Incorporating these methods trigger awareness, the reinforcement of one’s own identity, the drawing of boundaries, the help of co-regulation, mindfulness, and the gentle management of conflict adults can return ‘home’ without the loss of the selves they so carefully built.
