What if “it’s me or the cats” is more than a joke, but a line in the sand? For one woman, that ultimatum was not hair on the couch but love, loyalty, and what family is.
She and her husband had raised two cats from the start of their marriage. The first was his, the second hers, whom he brought home just in the nick of time before the baby was born. To her, these creatures were not accessories; they were part of the tapestry of her existence. She is brought up in a culture where sending an animal away is embarrassing, a breach of faith. He is brought up in another, where pets are easier to see as commodities. Slowly, tiny annoyances such as the cats waking up at night, meowing, or the occasional accident on the couch snowballed into an incessant demand: the cats must go.
Relationship gurus believe that these kinds of fights are never about the pets. Marriage therapist Kelly Scott says that pet ownership is already very emotionally loaded… this sort of issue could really be rooted in anything. In this couple, the argument over the pet seemed to mask more fundamental fights about respect, duty, and control. He described her as “challenging him”; she faulted him for neglecting her values. Each one perceived the other as unwilling to make concessions, and the fights were endless loops with no promise of termination.
The emotional cost of such a decision is considerable. Pets are generally emotional anchors, confidants, and, for many, members of the family, according to one therapist. Taking them away can provoke guilt, grief, and even a sense of moral culpability. One commentator cautions that dumping a pet can for some owners be very upsetting and have a long-term impact… as if they had failed and betrayed their pet, who depended on and trusted them. The cats themselves would also suffer from stress and confusion if rehoused. Cultural factors can make the divide more biting.
Pets in Western societies are typically considered as family, and their owners will pay anything for them to be well. Animals in other societies are kept more for use or emotionally further from them. Such attitudes don’t only dictate how partners consider their pets, but what they can sacrifice. When such belief systems do clash in a marriage, the argument may feel like it is a threat to identity. Professionals point out that the healthiest relationships never allow for one-sided sacrifice.
Francesca Righetti explains, Sacrificing is giving up something one values for the sake of your spouse. Unlike compromise, sacrifice is unilateral… sacrifice can lead to seeing oneself as a martyr and the judgment ‘you owe me. In the case of animals, this situation can be especially toxic because the “something” one is giving up is a living being with whom one has an intense emotional bond. So what do couples do if they have differing values regarding pets?
A good strategy, therapists say, is to begin with curiosity, not conflict. Don’t go in expecting it’s going to be a fight, Scott says. Create space to figure out what the pet means to each of them security, companionship, responsibility, or even freedom. Then negotiate behavior, not belief. For example, agreeing on night routines for the cats or rescheduling domestic spaces to rid them of tension can salvage the relationship and that of the animals within it. It also reminds one of the good that pets do, particularly when relationships are strained. Petting a pet reduces heart rate and blood pressure, and both partners taking care of an animal can be a bonding experience. As one counselor noted, pets can even be “peacemakers,” intervening in fights after squabbles and reminding lovers of their common love.
Where love, faithfulness, and life come together, few times is there an easy solution. But with respect, imagination, and a willingness to look beyond the surface of distinctions, it is possible to save the relationship as well as the ties that make a house a home.
