“Jokes were automatic at every family gathering. Cousins and uncles would sneer and mock, making his name a joke. With these kinds of men in the family-Butch, David, and Apollo-his Amarilis stood out, and not in a positive way. Years went by, and the jokes slowly broke him down until he thought that anyone who learned his first name would view him as less than.
Names, he says, not only define us-they affect the way we think of ourselves and the way others think of ourselves in subtle but real ways. In one study of the gender typicality of forenames, for example, men with less traditionally masculine given names reported less typically masculine behavior during childhood and less masculine personality characteristics. To him, the constant kidding confirmed the idea that his name did not match up to the kind of person he wanted to be. Even in professional settings, his name created confusion. Job applications brought replies addressed to “Ms. Amarilis,” and once, a construction company recruiter wrote, “I’m happy to see a female rising to the occasion,” before meeting him in person.
They had named him this way at birth, piecing together the family surnames into what they thought sounded unusual and pretty. To them, there was nothing wrong with it-if anything, it was a badge of heritage. In real life, it became a liability. A more accurate picture would be that their pride was his embarrassment-namely, names are culturally significant, and to some cultures, they’re not so much personal but community property. For instance, in the Italian culture, naming children after the grandparents is an expression of respect and ancestry. “A name with lineage means you belong to something larger than yourself,” once said an Italian American writer. To change it is, to most, to break a sacred link.
He had never even thought about changing it until he was married. His wife did not laugh at his name. She merely asked that question so simple yet life-changing: if it bothered him, why change it? It was a conversation which planted the seed for a choice which would not materialize for more than a year. The law was laborious- a petition to submit, a hearing in court to go to and then inform each government agency, bank, employer and insurance company. He left with a new name, once those forms were filled out: Nathan Giovanni, after his great-grandfather, a man he liked a lot.
It wasn’t so much about getting away from the old name it was about embracing a heritage he cherished. But his parents reacted swiftly and harshly; they cursed and vowed to disown him and would not speak to him for over a year. His father called it a family shame; his mother cried for months. To them, the change wasn’t just personal; it was a rejection of them, of their culture-of heritage they understood his name to represent. According to psychologists, a name can be an “embodied identity” so entangled with the self-concept that a change in the former is tantamount to changing the latter.
When a name doesn’t sit right, however, the converse is true: changing a name may just be declaring self. Resilience experts say that to reclaim an identity through changing one’s name, designing self, or setting boundaries can erase years of internalized shame. For him, it was a liberation. “My only regret is that I didn’t change my name sooner,” he said. But the emotional repercussions were real. It is in such cultural naming conventions, particularly among close-knit families, that such decisions get tough.
Innovation in naming order in some Italian families is as good as innovation in family proper. But, as his life shows, honoring oneself does not mean destroying heritage; it means choosing which parts of the heritage to carry along. By taking on the name of his great-grandfather, he was able to bridge past and present, though it took some while for his family to see it thus. It wasn’t so much a journey into forms, but one about reclaiming dignity, redefining self, and learning at times that self-respect equates to hard conversations and choices. But as the journey stretched the ties that bind a family, it also carved space for him to be inside a name that finally felt like his own.
