What if the very habit that promises comfort is quietly fueling a loneliness epidemic? That’s the provocative question Leah Cass, a Pittsburgh-based poet, threw into the digital ether—and over 12,000 people hit “like” because it hit home. “I regret to inform all of us that we cannot complain about not having community and also cancel plans every single time we feel like staying in bed instead of being awkward for a few hours,” Cass wrote on Threads. Her words sliced through the noise, echoing a truth many millennials feel but rarely say out loud: sometimes, self-care becomes self-sabotage.
Cass admits she’s no stranger to the comfort-first mindset. “I have spent quite a few nights canceling plans needing the alone time,” she shared. As an introvert who’s neurodivergent and was homeschooled, socializing never came naturally. But her viral post wasn’t a lecture—it was a gentle nudge, first to herself, then to anyone scrolling by. “We can’t say we want connection if we’re not willing to take the sometimes uncomfortable steps to create it,” she said. “Real connection requires us to get out there and try, even if we feel awkward.”
This tension—between craving community and dodging discomfort—has become a defining paradox for millennials. Raised on the gospel of mental wellness, many have learned to prioritize their own needs, sometimes at the expense of showing up for others. The result? A rise in “plan-cancel culture,” where last-minute bailouts are justified by burnout, anxiety, or just the urge to stay home. One commenter nailed the frustration: “People have made this their entire personality. ‘I want to be invited but I’m not going to come.’ It’s the most selfish thing. Show up for your friends!” Another added, “To have a village, you must be a villager.”
But why does this matter so much now? Social trends expert Jo Hayes offers a clue: “There are many reasons why millennials report this feeling of loneliness compared to previous generations at the same age. A lack of the same social networks that previous generations tapped into is one reason—like church, community or volunteer groups, sports clubs.” In other words, the “third spaces” that once anchored communities—libraries, cafes, community centers—are vanishing. According to recent research, food and beverage stores have decreased by 23 percent and religious organizations by 17 percent since 2008, while many other gathering spots have shuttered or become less accessible third places are closing across the United States. The loss of these ordinary, affordable places to “hang out” leaves people with fewer chances for spontaneous connection and support.
Of course, digital spaces have tried to fill the gap. Cass herself built a thriving online community through poetry, eventually publishing five books and connecting with thousands. Yet, as Hayes points out, “Social media interaction, that, in many cases, is faux social, doesn’t provide the same emotional or relational connection and benefits that in-person activities do, hence, loneliness.” The numbers back her up: while 36 percent of millennials say online communities have positively affected their mental health, a 2019 YouGov poll found that 30 percent of millennials “always or often” feel lonely, compared to 20 percent of Gen X. Even more striking, the BBC Loneliness Experiment found 40 percent of people aged 16 to 24 felt lonely often or very often—a higher rate than those over 65.
So, what’s the antidote? It starts with intentionality. “Be intentional about pursuing quality, in-person relationships,” Hayes advises. That could mean arranging a coffee catchup, joining a volunteer group, or simply showing up for a friend’s birthday—awkwardness and all. Community doesn’t have to be grand or official. Sometimes, it’s as simple as inviting a neighbor for a walk or starting a book club in your living room even small gatherings can spark real connection.
But what if social anxiety or awkwardness feels overwhelming? Evidence-based techniques like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure-based exercises can help. CBT teaches new ways of thinking and reacting to social situations, making them less daunting CBT and exposure therapy are proven tools. Even starting small—like initiating a short conversation or attending a low-pressure group activity—can build confidence over time.
Ultimately, loneliness isn’t just about the number of friends or followers. It’s about the quality of connection and the willingness to lean into discomfort for something greater. As Cass reflected, “Our only way forward is together, and I’ve spent quite a bit of time reflecting on what that actually looks like.” For millennials, that might mean trading a little comfort for a lot more community. And sometimes, the bravest thing is simply to show up.
